Loneliness cont.

It happened again Saturday night. I found myself surrounded by friends and family, enjoying an evening of cards and  conversation with food and drink mix in. I brought a bread loaf stuffed with a cheese dip made with beer. The theme was Beer and Cheese by the way. It wasn't the only cheese beer dip but everyone sampled all that was available. Again, it was good to see people I only see at these little gatherings, plus to meet a couple of new people. This is something I have enjoyed in the past. But this night the food tasted like ash and the drink, only dirty water.

Of course, I missed the person I love. Surrounded by people that liked and
love me yet I found little comfort in the smiles, handshakes and hugs or the occasional sweet kiss on the cheek.

It felt more acute this night that pang in my heart that has become too familiar. Loneliness. It can be manageable at times with a wonderful call or a cute emoticon wink and smile in a text message. Not this time. I believe that I may have done the one thing that I tricked myself into thinking I was keeping from happening or perhaps thought ,in my heart of hearts, would never happen. I have lost her. I have lost her.

Wow. I have reread that last sentence over and over now. It hurts so much. I have been the fool. Like a bad country song, I have done all the wrong things thinking they would carry me to where I wanted to be.

I only needed to do one thing right, yet I found ways to do it completely wrong. I told her I would do anything for her, die even. I meant it and still do, yet I couldn't do what she needed. Good women only want simple things from the men they love. Stability, trust and love come to my mind immediately. I love my woman more than I could ever express in words. I have never loved someone the way I love her. She is my best friend, my lover and the first person I want to talk to when things, good and not so good, happen to me. The one person I wish to make smile and laugh anyway I can. Someone I can act silly around and she only loved me more for it. Who wouldn't want that? So, loving her was not the problem.

I am guilty of sinning against the other two things I mentioned above. What I am guilty of is not trying hard enough to better myself. That is where the stability part comes in. The one that loves you needs to know that you are capable of not only taking care of them, but yourself as well. That is the trust part. They are not separate. Trust = Stability.

I am a dreamer. Something I am usually happy to say. I have let my dreaming get in the way of taking care of business. I have forgotten something that my parents had taught me since I was old enough to work, "Some times, you have to do whatever needs to be done no matter how much you don't like it."
I kept trying to find ways to get to where I wanted to be by shortcuts. I thought I was doing what we both wanted, trying to be with each other as soon as possible. But I wasn't listening to what she was telling me. She missed me and wanted me with her asap, but what was more important was how I got there. The time apart is hard but is made worth it when you are equals and can depend on one another.

Again I am stopped by something I have written. Equals. Something she kept saying to me over and over again yet something I kept misinterpreting. I understand what she meant for some time now. I only find myself rolling the word over and over again in my head, thinking of the conversations that have been about it.

I have been a fool. I know there is no way to take back what I have done. Only learning can be done with what mistakes you make. That is little comfort for me now that I may have lost the one person that I have spent so much time planning and dreaming to be with. I cannot be more sorry than I am now. Perhaps too little too late.

I hope and pray that I can recover something from what I have done. I am not a bad man, just a stupid one. I ask you that read this to learn from what I have been writing. Find a way. No matter what it is. Do right by the one that loves you. Don't half-ass it. Don't float along with the current. The river only takes you to where it wants to go, not where you want to be. I am learning this the hard way. Learn from me.

I am hurting so much. Even more so than the day my marriage ended. That was dying shortly after we were married. This relationship has been the best, the greatest and most important in my life, now it is gone. She was worth any and all sacrifice I needed to make. The best prize a man could get. I hope any one lucky enough to be given a chance to be with someone like that takes it with both hands. No. Grasp it with both hands and do Not let go!

I am still too close to it to wish luck to another man to be with her. Pain and jealousy are still too fresh. I also find that little voice in me saying, "Psst. She loves you man! Deeply! Don't count yourself out of her thoughts and dreams." If that is the voice of hope, it is a little comforting. Not enough though to drown out the voice that screams, "You fucked up for the last time!" I have been a fool. I can't say that enough.

I can only do the right thing and make myself the best me I can. Perhaps there is chance to do right by her still, but I can not let myself dwell on that. Only dreaming makes you a lazy fool. I have to remember that. You remember that as well. Do right. Move forward.